Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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