Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think your dad took our porno
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
