we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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