please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
