Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
