i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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