so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
