This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
