I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
