I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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