It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
