If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
