He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i've created a new STD.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
PANTIES FOUND
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