party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
