i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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