Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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