I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
