Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
