All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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