what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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