how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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