I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just found a bag of teeth...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
