he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
