well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
