the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
