hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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