1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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