I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
