I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party