You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever