dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.