im drinking this country out of the recession.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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