I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
