sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
