You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
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Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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