When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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