I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
