My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
