you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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