That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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