I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
