I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
