Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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