So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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