Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Randomize
