And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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