my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
