Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
