i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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