i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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