you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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