At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
