Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
