So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
