my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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