Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
zippers are such a cool invention
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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