The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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