i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
