i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
