The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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