you're like a bully in the Christmas story
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
