Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You took a bar mat shot.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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