I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
